Award Jokes / Recent Jokes

to: ALL staff
from: Office of Superintendant
re: "Teacher In Service Training" schedule (TITS)
In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district is now required to supply bigger and better TITS for each employee.
We are therefore, pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). It is our intention to give each member of the staff as much SHIT as possible. Advancement, salary increases and job changes will be dependent on the amount of SHIT you have taken.
Employees who feel they have taken as much SHIT as they can may apply to the School Council for Review of Educational Welfare (SCREW).
All employees are expected to be SCREW'd at least annually.
If you have taken SHIT and have been SCREW'd within the past academic year, you will be eligible to receive a Self Help Award for Teachers (SHAFT). Any employee who has been given the SHAFT will not be expected to take as much SHIT the more...

"What's that medal for, grandpa?"

"Oh, the Purple Heart, sweetie. You're given it when you're injured in the line of duty."

"And that shiny one with the eagle?"

"The Soldier's Medal, hun. I got it for pulling out two guys from a blown-up Humvee and dragging them fifty yards to safety through enemy fire."

"What about that HUGE gold one with Obama giving you a jumping high-five?"

"That's the Epic Win Award for Badass Motherf***ery. I got it for drop kicking a door that killed an insurgent on the other side."

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?
Apparently he was out standing in his field.

Bad Light: what games tend to finish in, when it is probably twice as dark as it was when the batsman went off for bad light in the middle of the afternoon session.

Bits and Pieces Player: cricketer who is only average at more things than the average player.

Bowler's Limitation: maximum number of overs a bowler is allowed to bowl, which they usually exceed by bowling no-balls.

Bowler Tossing The Ball Up: bowler celebrating a caught and bowled.

Bowling Attack: a series of bowlers who defend.

Building A Platform For The Innings: method by which batsmen bat very slowly leaving the tail to bat very quickly to ensure a decent total.

Coloured Clothing: what players wear in the hope that spectators will wear it too; also a useful way for the crowd to tell the difference between the batsmen and the bowlers.

Day/Night Match: one-day game played under contemporary over- rates.

Death: part of the innings in more...

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow
In Santa Ana, Calif., an appeals court ruled that a skier who was paralyzed after he collided with the steel post that supported a sign saying "Be Aware - Ski With Care" may sue the resort that erected the sign.
The winner of the Fourth Annual American Express Most Outrageous Gift Search was the Do-It-Yourself Mink Coat Kit, which included a mink trap, skinner's knife, pelt stretcher, needle and thread. Runners-up included a jar of navel lint, a dead cat's ashes, a gift certificate to an out-of-business restaurant and a voodoo doll complete with needles and instructions.
Our Run For The Hills, The Lawyers Have Landed Award to a lawsuit filed against the publisher of the Beardstown Ladies Common-Sense Investment Guide, which seeks damages because the 1995 book exaggerated the profits of the club of elderly women investors by adding contributions by its members into its total investment gains. The lawsuit, which more...