Safe Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Lock, Stock and Barrel

    Hot 1 year ago

    An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.

    The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn't open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.

    The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days' growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.

    The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an "x" at the "2 o'clock" mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill more...

    TACO HELL!!!!

    Hot 1 year ago

    by Peter Leppik

    The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

    On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
    the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

    Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

    Server: "Is that it?"

    Me: "Yep."

    Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"

    Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

    At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

    Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...

    Sperm Bank Stick Up

    Hot 1 year ago

    A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts,' Open the safe!'

    'But this is not a real bank!' the woman replies,' It's a sperm bank.'

    'Open the safe or I'll shoot!' the man shouts.

    The woman, now terrified opens the safe.

    'Now take one of the bottles and drink it,' he says.

    'But sir, these are sperm samples!' the woman replies.

    'Just drink it or I'll shoot!'

    The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot.' Now take another bottle and drink it.'

    'But sir, I just drank one!'

    'Drink another one or I'll shoot you!'

    The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.

    When she has emptied it, the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.

    'Now you see, Honey,' he says,' It isn't so difficult, is it?'

    Decision making

    Hot 1 year ago

    A group of children were playing near two railway tracks, one still in use while the other disused. Only one child played on the disused track, the rest on the operational track.

    The train is coming, and you are just beside the track interchange. You can make the train change its course to the disused track and save most of the kids. However, that would also mean the lone child playing by the disused track would be sacrificed. Or would you rather let the train go its way?


    Let's take a pause to think what kind of decision we could make..



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    Most people might choose to divert the course of the train, and sacrifice only one child. You might think the same way, I guess. Exactly, to save most of the children at the expense of only one child was rational decision most people would more...

    Grandpa's Safe Sex

    Hot 11 months ago

    A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
    Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
    Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

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