Safe Jokes / Recent Jokes
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
One night a little boy was left alone at home for the weekend. Before leaving his mother told him, "if you get scared put your hand under bed and let the dog lick your hand. Then you will know you are safe."
So during the night the little boy heard a drip drip drip sound. He got very scared and put his hand under his bed and his dog leicked his hand. He then felt better.
A little later he heard the drip drip drip sound again. The boy once again put his hand under his bed and allowd his dog to lick it. He then felt safe.
About five minutes later the little boy heard the drip drip drip sound once again. Instead of putting his hand under his bed he got up and went and looked in the bathroom. There was no noise in there, so he headed for the kitchen. Once he was in there he looked over at the sink and it wasn't dripping. So he went in the laundry room, and there was his dog hung, blood dripping drip drip drip. Makes you wonder what was licking the boy's hand.
Stosh and Stan were recently laid off when they decided to rob a bank. They planned for weeks so that everything would go smoothly when the heist took place. Stosh's job was to crack open the safe and detain the manager and Stan's job was to grab the money from the safe and the teller windows.
When the robbery took place, Stan gathered up all the money from the tellers but when he got to the safe, it was all tied up and the manager had a strange look on his face.
"STOSH!" Stan cried out. "I said BLOW THE SAFE and TIE UP THE MANAGER."
(For those of non-Polish descent, Stosh and Stan are well known "old world" Polish names)
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.
I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."
Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.