Security Jokes

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    TACO HELL!!!!

    Hot 5 months ago

    by Peter Leppik

    The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

    On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
    the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

    Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

    Server: "Is that it?"

    Me: "Yep."

    Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"

    Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

    At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

    Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...

    How to install a wireless security system:
    Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like, "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy."

    My computer broke down.

    It crashed and burned!

    And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...

    And keep it off my mind.

    It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.

    The cashier in electronics was staring at me.

    But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.

    I drew a crowd as I began to cry.

    I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!!

    Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.

    The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, "We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!"

    Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.

    Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!

    Then he looked at me and said, more...

    The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain
    & & 1. "Isn`t there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?"
    & & 2. I`m searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel."
    & & 3. "DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!"
    & & 4. "Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?"
    & & 5. "Thanks idiot... I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!"
    & & 6. "Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!"
    & & 7. "I`m at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter."
    & & 8. "I`m trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!"
    & & 9. "See.. I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that`s why I`m more...

    A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
    The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
    Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The more...

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