Security Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    by Peter Leppik

    The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

    On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
    the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

    Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

    Server: "Is that it?"

    Me: "Yep."

    Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"

    Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

    At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

    Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...

    The President Must Go

    Hot 3 months ago

    Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in
    front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written
    in urine across the snow.
    Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and
    yells, "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they
    wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he
    did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly
    at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and
    find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!" The
    entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
    Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well
    Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do
    you want first?"
    Clinton says, "Oh more...

    Wireless Security System

    Hot 4 months ago

    How to install a wireless security system:
    Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like, "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy."

    My computer broke down.

    It crashed and burned!

    And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...

    And keep it off my mind.

    It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.

    The cashier in electronics was staring at me.

    But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.

    I drew a crowd as I began to cry.

    I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!!

    Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.

    The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, "We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!"

    Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.

    Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!

    Then he looked at me and said, more...

    The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain
    & & 1. "Isn`t there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?"
    & & 2. I`m searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel."
    & & 3. "DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!"
    & & 4. "Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?"
    & & 5. "Thanks idiot... I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!"
    & & 6. "Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!"
    & & 7. "I`m at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter."
    & & 8. "I`m trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!"
    & & 9. "See.. I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that`s why I`m more...

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