Security Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    TACO HELL!!!!

    Hot 2 years ago

    by Peter Leppik

    The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

    On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
    the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

    Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

    Server: "Is that it?"

    Me: "Yep."

    Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"

    Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

    At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

    Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...

    The President Must Go

    Hot 2 years ago

    Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in
    front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written
    in urine across the snow.
    Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and
    yells, "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they
    wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he
    did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly
    at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and
    find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!" The
    entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
    Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well
    Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do
    you want first?"
    Clinton says, "Oh more...

    Wireless Security System

    Hot 2 years ago

    How to install a wireless security system:
    Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like, "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy."

    Microsoft announced plans to open retail stores, hoping to boost visibility of many of its products and its brand. The move seems to be an effort to mimic the success that Apple has had with its retail stores. The news is just too tempting not to have some fun with. So here are some yet-to-be-officially-revealed details about the Microsoft stores.

    1) Instead of Apple's sheer walls of glass, Microsoft's stores will have brushed steel walls dotted with holes -- reminiscent of Windows security.

    2) The store will have six different entrances: Starter, Basic, Premium, Professional, Enterprise, and Ultimate. While all six doors will lead into the same store, the Ultimate door requires a fee of $100 for no apparent reason.

    3) Instead of a "Genius Bar" (as Apple provides) Microsoft will offer an Excuse Bar. It will be staffed by Microsofties trained in the art of evading questions, directing you to complicated and obscure fixes, and explaining it's a more...

    SmartHouse

    Hot 4 months ago

    Nov 28, 2005
    Moved in to my new Hermosa Beach house at last. Finally, we live in the
    smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The
    cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my
    personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the
    appliances and the security system. Everything runs
    off a univeral remote with the friendliest interface I've ever
    used. Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired.
    Nov 30
    Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
    thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely
    tweaked the oven a few degress for my pizza. Everthing nice & cozy
    when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.
    Dec 3
    Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
    refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything
    else electrical shut down - lights, microwave, coffee maker -
    everything. more...

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