Award Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Hot 7 years ago

    to: ALL staff
    from: Office of Superintendant
    re: "Teacher In Service Training" schedule (TITS)
    In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district is now required to supply bigger and better TITS for each employee.
    We are therefore, pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). It is our intention to give each member of the staff as much SHIT as possible. Advancement, salary increases and job changes will be dependent on the amount of SHIT you have taken.
    Employees who feel they have taken as much SHIT as they can may apply to the School Council for Review of Educational Welfare (SCREW).
    All employees are expected to be SCREW'd at least annually.
    If you have taken SHIT and have been SCREW'd within the past academic year, you will be eligible to receive a Self Help Award for Teachers (SHAFT). Any employee who has been given the SHAFT will not be expected to take as much SHIT the more...

    Military Decorations

    Hot 7 years ago

    "What's that medal for, grandpa?"

    "Oh, the Purple Heart, sweetie. You're given it when you're injured in the line of duty."

    "And that shiny one with the eagle?"

    "The Soldier's Medal, hun. I got it for pulling out two guys from a blown-up Humvee and dragging them fifty yards to safety through enemy fire."

    "What about that HUGE gold one with Obama giving you a jumping high-five?"

    "That's the Epic Win Award for Badass Motherf***ery. I got it for drop kicking a door that killed an´╗┐ insurgent on the other side."

    Scarecrow award

    Hot 7 years ago

    Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?
    Apparently he was out standing in his field.

    Safe Driving!

    Hot 7 years ago

    A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
    "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a Safe Driver Award. Congratulations, what do you think you're going to do with the prize money?"
    He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
    The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
    The guy from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
    At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

    Ski suit

    Hot 3 years ago

    Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow
    In Santa Ana, Calif., an appeals court ruled that a skier who was paralyzed after he collided with the steel post that supported a sign saying "Be Aware - Ski With Care" may sue the resort that erected the sign.
    The winner of the Fourth Annual American Express Most Outrageous Gift Search was the Do-It-Yourself Mink Coat Kit, which included a mink trap, skinner's knife, pelt stretcher, needle and thread. Runners-up included a jar of navel lint, a dead cat's ashes, a gift certificate to an out-of-business restaurant and a voodoo doll complete with needles and instructions.
    Our Run For The Hills, The Lawyers Have Landed Award to a lawsuit filed against the publisher of the Beardstown Ladies Common-Sense Investment Guide, which seeks damages because the 1995 book exaggerated the profits of the club of elderly women investors by adding contributions by its members into its total investment gains. The lawsuit, which more...

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