"Military Decorations" joke
"What's that medal for, grandpa?"
"Oh, the Purple Heart, sweetie. You're given it when you're injured in the line of duty."
"And that shiny one with the eagle?"
"The Soldier's Medal, hun. I got it for pulling out two guys from a blown-up Humvee and dragging them fifty yards to safety through enemy fire."
"What about that HUGE gold one with Obama giving you a jumping high-five?"
"That's the Epic Win Award for Badass Motherf***ery. I got it for drop kicking a door that killed an insurgent on the other side."
Your Mamma's so fat, when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!
Don't knock on Death's door.
Instead, ring the bell and run. Death hates that...
Teacher: Wat do u call a person who apologizes if he has committed a mistake ?
Boy: An honest man.
Teacher: Good. And what do u call a person who apologizes even if he has committed no mistake ?
Boy: A Boyfriend.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth... the rest was made in China.
Mondays aren't so bad...it's my job that sucks.