"Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy..." Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story, so Little Johnny tells her.
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point Mummy cut him off and says, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and "... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."
So I live with my aunt and she's a total bitch. She has a dog too. The dog's also a bitch.
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue sid it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon.
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the more...
When little Timmy saw his aunt for the first time after the holidays he thanked her for the harmonica she had given him, adding that it was the best gift he had ever received.
"I'm so glad you like it. Have you learned how to play it yet," his aunt asked.
Laughing, little Timmy replied, "Oh no, I don't play it. Mommy gives me 50 cents a day to not play it during the day and Daddy gives me $5 a week to not play it at night."
An young lady inherited a very beautiful parrot when her Aunt died. The girl was surprised to find out that her Aunt had been a very successful Madam and was well known for her sexual appetite. When she got the bird home she soon learned that the bird had quite a vocabulary and that she ended each string of words with the phrase, "I'm a whore." Well the girl was engaged to the son of a preacher and knew that she couldn't keep the bird around once she got married so she discussed the situation with her soon to be husband, after giving the situation some thought he brought the problem to his father. The preacher informed the son that he had a couple of little old ladies in his congregation who also had parrots and that these particular birds spent all of their time in prayer. He called the old ladies and explained the situation. The old ladies invited him to bring the bird to them and felt sure that the naughty bird would benefit from the exposure to the Holy birds. Soon the more...