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INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one more...

Customer gets a topical cream. Direction: apply locally two times a day.
Customer says to the pharmacist: "I can't apply locally, I'm going overseas."

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you - or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown - if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't more...

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't more...

Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are effective
immediately.
TRANSPORTATION
Hitch-hiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged.
Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their
departure on company business trips. Should hitch-hiking prove fruitless, bus
travel may be utilized if absolutely necessary. Airline tickets will be
authorized for purchase only under extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares
will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but a lower
fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be
substituted for travel to Seattle.
Car rental fees are going up all the time, and are to be avoided. As a
substitute for these charges, we recommend car-sharing. Simply turn your issued
luminescent safety vest inside more...

How to Change Your Oil
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is more...

"Buy one get one free" -
This is just seconds after the company announced that the item would cost 20 times more than it used to."Some restrictions apply." -
Unless you are a 20-year-old coal miner from Virginia, this sale will not apply to you."Limited Time Offer" -
It ends just before our commerical ends."Buy two for the price of one." -
See "Buy one get one free""Buy 156 get one free!" -
We're just testing how far a human will go for a freebie."Leaves floors virtually clean" -
Removes all dirt that is from virtual reality, but doesn't get rid of any real dirt.