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    Early Retirement

    Hot 3 weeks ago

    To all staff
    Early Retirement
    Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to give all workers over 30 yrs an early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED & SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme For Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
    Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependant or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Early Personnel Scheme). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
    Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives it's more...

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
    4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
    5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub more...

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
    3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
    paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
    Call spouse from garden.
    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler more...

    15 Steps to Build a campfire.
    1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
    2. Bandage left thumb.
    3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
    4. Bandage left foot.
    5. Make structure of slivers(including those embedded in hand).
    6. Light match.
    7. Light match.
    8. Repeat "a scout is cheerful," and light match.
    9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.
    10. Apply Burn ointment to nose.
    11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
    12. Upon discovery that fire has gone out during your absence, soak wood with liquid from can labeled "kerosene."
    13. Treat face and arms for second degree burns, and relabel your can to read "gasoline."
    14. When fire is burning well, add all remaining wood.
    15. When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps 1 through 14.

    "Buy one get one free" -
    This is just seconds after the company announced that the item would cost 20 times more than it used to."Some restrictions apply." -
    Unless you are a 20-year-old coal miner from Virginia, this sale will not apply to you."Limited Time Offer" -
    It ends just before our commerical ends."Buy two for the price of one." -
    See "Buy one get one free""Buy 156 get one free!" -
    We're just testing how far a human will go for a freebie."Leaves floors virtually clean" -
    Removes all dirt that is from virtual reality, but doesn't get rid of any real dirt.

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