Spouse Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)
    Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
    Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
    Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Un-employed
    Spouse's Name: __________________________
    Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
    Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___
    Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
    Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
    Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
    ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ more...

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
    4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
    5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub more...

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
    3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
    paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
    Call spouse from garden.
    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler more...

    Feline Fasting

    Hot 6 years ago

    Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
    DAY ONE
    Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
    Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
    Dinner: Catch more...

    Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer:-
    10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.
    9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.
    8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.
    7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.
    6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.
    5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).
    4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.
    3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.
    2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.
    1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!

  • Recent Activity