Alter Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4: 00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5: 00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet more...

When I was a church custodian, thene Pastor that was my boss, would have me help before, during and after weddings. He was an older Priest, but he was ahead of his time. He walked up & down the isles while preaching (years before it was an order) and he even had a shirt collar microphone 3years before any other Pastor!
Immediately after a wedding, the Bride & Groom would walk out of the church and stand outside, at the main doors of the church, and accept the well-wishes of the people who attended the wedding (ie a "recieving line").
Meanwhile I would be in the church, quickly gathering up the white runner (from the center isle) and straightening up the Alter area & would put all the large and small Alter chairs back against the Alter walls, so they wedding party could return to the Alter for the "Wedding photo shoot" (after the attendees went to the Reception Hall).
Meanwhile my boss, The Pastor, would collect up the wedding items, Holy Water and etc., more...

An alter boy is in church cleaning the pews when he sees a cripple struggle through the doors of the church and make his way to the font of holy water. The boy watches as the cripple manages to get up the step, sprinkles holy water on his legs and then throws his crutches away.

The alter boy runs to get the priest and explains what he saw.

"It's a miracle", exclaims the priest, "where is he now?"

"Flat on his ass by the holy water", says the boy.

AAC Alter All CommandsAAD Alter All DataAAO Add And OverflowAAR Alter At RandomAB Add BackwardsABC AlphaBetize CodeABR Add Beyond RangeACC Advance CPU ClockACDC Allow Controller to Delete ContentsACDP Allow Controller to Die PeacefullyACQT Advance Clock to Quitting TimeADB Another Dumb BugAEE Absolve Engineering ErrorsAFF Add Fudge FactorAFHB Align Fullword on Halfword BoundaryAFP Abnormalize Floating PointAFR Abort Funny RoutineAFVC Add Finagle's Variable ConstantAGB Add GarBageAGWA Add and Get Wrong AnswerAI Add ImproperAIB Attack Innocent BystanderAIB Attack Innocent BystandersAISG Access and Improve Student GradeAMM Add Mayo and MustardAMM Answer My MailAMS Add Memory to SystemANC ANnoy ConsultantAOI Annoy Operator ImmediateAR Advance RudelyAR Alter RealityARN Add and Reset to Non-zeroARN Add and Reset to NonzeroARZ Add and Reset to ZeroAS Add SidewaysASQGSA ASCII Stupid Question, Get a Stupid ANSIAT Accumulate TriviaAWP Argue With ProgrammerAWTT Assemble With Tinker ToysBA Branch more...

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:
1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister more...