Tuesday Jokes

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    Picking Up Nun's

    Hot 1 year ago

    A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
    The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.
    When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
    The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male), "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
    Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. more...

    A psychiatrist in a mental hospital decided to test three patients to determine if they were well enough to be released.
    He asked the first one: "What is 3 times 3?"
    The patient answered: "111."
    He asked the same question of the second patient and was told that the answer was "Tuesday."
    He told both that they weren't healed and had to stay.
    He asked the third one: "What is 3 times 3?"
    The reply: "9."
    "Great!!! You're cured! You can go home, but tell me how you knew the answer?"
    The patient replied: "Simple. I divided 111 by Tuesday!"

    15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:
    1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
    2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
    3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
    4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.
    5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
    6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
    7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
    8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
    9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister more...

    15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.10. This being Easter Sunday, more...

    'Apparently' taken from actual church bulletins:
    1. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
    2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    3. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
    4. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    5. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
    6. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
    7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
    8. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
    9. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Bailey to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
    10. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the Choir!!
    11. The Rector is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church more...

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