Accidentally Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks."
So, they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.
He manages to go more...

There are two nice bachelor brothers who live with their mother, Jim and Bob. A business trip took Bob out of town for a few days but he promised to call home on a regular basis to find out how things are going. As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim answered the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?" Jim replied, "The cat's dead. He fell out the window." Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question and told him the bad news in such a callous manner. He told Jim his feelings in no uncertain terms. Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?" Bob went on, "First you could have told me that you accidentally left the window open. Then the cat jumped out of the window and landed on the small roof below. We called the emergency response team, who tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of everyone's more...

Nitroglycerin suppository
My First (and Last) Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit
Paper cuts from hate mail
Wine press
Random act of terrorism
Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
Exploding gas barbeque
Date with Lorana Bobbit / Tonya Harding
Rusty meat hook
Pulp digester / Saw mill
Sexually transmitted disease
Lethal injestion of bean sprouts and tofu
Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
Baney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista... BARNEY!".
Exploding school bus
Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love and happiness to all of the carnivores.
Childrens Tylenol laced with cyanide
Sacrifice to a tribal god
Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)
Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet
Asphixiation on a twinkie
Bungee more...

[San Jose Mercury News]An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson . 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have more...

[San Jose Mercury News]An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have more...

One day, an Asian man, an American man, and Sung Hi Lee were on a train. Along the ride, there was a short but dark tunnel. When they entered the tunnel, a kissing sound, then a slapping sound was heard. Once outside, everyone could see a large red mark on the American's face. Sung Hi Lee thought, "That American probably tried to kiss me, but accidentally kissed the Asian, and he slapped him." The American thought, "The Asian tried to kiss Sung Hi Lee, and she tried to slap him, but accidentally slapped me." Now, the Asian thought, "That was great! Next ride, I'll kiss Sung Hi Lee
again, and slap the American!"

A young intern is making his rounds late one night at the hospital. He enters into the room of an invalid woman who has been in a coma for over two years. No one comes to visit this poor woman anymore, but the intern is not as concerned with this as he is with finishing his rounds, the most mundane of his duties.
As the young doctor is straightening up the bed his hand accidentally rubs against the old woman's breast. Just then an extra "blip" comes from the monitors attached to the woman. The doctor's curiosity is peaked and he makes sure this is not a coincidence by touching the woman's breast again and sure enough there is another "blip". He decides to experiment further and places his hand in a more private place.
"Blip! blip, blip blip, blip blip" comes the sound from the monitor. The doctor is astounded. He calls the woman's husband who hasn't been in to see the woman in months. He very carefully explains to the man how he accidentally more...