Toronto Jokes

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    The Best Of Everything

    Hot 2 years ago

    A Newfie goes to Toronto to seek his fortune, and after a couple of years is doing very well for himself. His brother calls from Newfoundland to tell him their father is very ill and probably won't survive.
    "Well, if he dies I'll pay for the funeral; the best of everything, spare no expense, just send me the bill," says the Toronto Newfie.
    Two weeks later he gets a bill in the mail for $7500.00
    He sends the cheque off to his brother.
    The following week he gets a bill for $75.00
    He sends the cheque off to his brother.
    The following week he gets another bill for $75.00
    He sends the cheque off to his brother.
    The following week he gets yet another bill for $75.00
    He sends the cheque off to his brother.
    The following week he gets a bill for $75.00
    He calls his brother and says, "What the hell is going on; why do keep get a bill for $75.00 every week?"
    His brother tells him, "Well, you said spare no expense, so we more...

    Newfie in Toronto

    Hot 7 years ago

    A newfie is walking down Yonge street in Toronto and sees a store front. The only thing inside are 2 guys sitting on stools. The newfie walks in and says "Hey what are you guys selling?" The one guy, recognizing the accent as being newfie, says "we're selling assholes!" The newfie responds "HOLY SHIT! Business must be good; you only have 2 left!!

    What Do you believe in?

    Hot 3 years ago

    A Toronto, a Waterloo and a Queens student were in an airplane that
    crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white
    throne. God addresses The Waterloo student first.
    "What do you believe in?"
    The Waterloo student replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion
    engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that
    if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and
    we'll all die."
    God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and
    sit at my right."
    God then addresses the Queen's Student; "Well, I believe in power to the
    people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things
    and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I
    also believe in feeling people's pain."
    God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come
    and sit at my left."
    God then more...

    Newfie Flies to Toronto

    Hot 7 years ago

    A Newfie was going to Toronto on the Airplane and started talking
    to an Mainlander.
    Newfie: Lord Tundrin' Geeses Bye, What do you do for a livin'?
    Mainlander: Well, I'm a Psychoanalyst.
    Newfie: Psychoanalyst, What the Heck is that?
    Mainlander: It's hard to explain so I'll give you an example.
    Mainlander: Do you own a Fishtank?
    Newfie: Yes, I got a tank.
    Mainlander: Well, I bet you like fish then?
    Newfie: Yeah, I like fish.
    Mainlander: Well, if you like fish then you probably like the water.
    Newfie: Yeah, I love the water.
    Mainlander: Well, if you like the water, then you probably like to
    go to the beach.
    Newfie: I love to go the beach.
    Mainlander: I bet you like to look at girls in bikinis while you're
    at the beach.
    Newfie: You betcha.
    Mainlander: And as you're looking at girls on the beach I bet you think
    about taking them home and having your way with them.
    Newfie: Gosh, How did you know more...

    [San Jose Mercury News]An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson . 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have more...

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