Absolutely Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was speaking with his minister. "Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" the parishioner asked.
"Most definitely not!" replied the minister.
"Are you absolutely certain?" the man asked.
"Yes, my son, I am. Absolutely and without a doubt," the minister said.
"In that case," said the man, "would you mind returning the $50 I gave you after my wedding."

An old lady, carrying a bag of money, entered the Bank of Canada and insisted on speaking with the bank president to open a savings account since, "It is a lot of money!"
After arguing back and forth with her, the bank staff finally showed her into the president's office. When he asked her how much she would like to deposit, she replied $175,000 and emptied the bag on his desk. Curious as to how she came by all this cash, he asked, "This is an awful lot of cash to be carrying around. Where did you get all this money?"
"I make bets," the old lady replied.
"What kind of bets?" asked the president.
"I'll give you an example," she said. "I will bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"What a stupid bet. You can't win that kind of bet," chuckled the president.
"Well, do you accept my bet?" challenged the old lady.
"Sure. I'll bet you $25,000 that my balls are not more...

An ultra Orthodox couple met their rabbi at their temple to consult their upcoming wedding. they had one problem that they needed to ask the rabbi about.
"Rabbi," said the man, "my fiance and I really want to dance together at our celebration, can we?"
"Absolutely not!" replied the rabbi "The men and women have to dance seperately to be modest and dignified!"
"Fine," says the woman. Then a huge question comes up on her mind. "Can we have sex?"
"Absolutely," says the rabbi, "reproduction is a mitzvah!"
"Even before marriage?" says the man.
"It's all a mitzvah."
"Woman on top?"
"A mitzvah."
"On the kitchen table?"
"It still doesn't change the fact that it's a mitzvah, so go right ahead."
"How about standing up?"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" yells the rabbi.
"Why?" both partners more...

Avoid all esoteric jewellery over ten pounds in weight - it attracts unwelcome attention from muggers, policemen, various supernatural creatures and can be and are downright dangerous during thunderstorms.
Avoid using coloured candles in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the weirdest demons.
Never make flippant remarks to a demon ("Hey, Belial, you look like hell, ha ha."). It may retort with its own brand of humour, like tearing your limbs apart.
Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, service revolver, garlic, taxi fare, condoms, and change.
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the High Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
If a demon promises you untold riches in exchange for your body, ask for an advance - freeloading sex fiends abound.
If the entity you summoned offers you its soul in return for money, chances are that more...

Ben, a middle-aged Canadian tourist, visits the red light district of Oklahoma City and enters a large brothel. It's only his second time in Oklahoma. The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He then whispers something in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the Madam sends a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!
The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!
Lola looks a little tired, but there's nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" more...

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names.As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.General rules:1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking more...

If something doesn't absolutely, positively have to be there tomorrow,
you can always hang on to it until it does.