Absolutely Jokes

A man is walking buy a shop which has a sign in the window reading "WE SELL ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING".
The man decides to put the shop to the test. He thinks of the most absurd thing possible. He enters the shop, and asks the shopkeeper, "Can I have a waist coat for a Chicken, please".
The shopkeeper thinks for a moment, and then goes into the back room. He returns after a few seconds and hands the man a condom.
The man says "That's not a waist coat for a chicken!"
To which the shopkeeper replies, "No sir, but it's the closest we've got - A PULLOVER FOR A COCK"

There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel." She said, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage." They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel." She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage." So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?" She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?" She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for more...

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing,
the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is
always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked
her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you
get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked,
"Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you
$25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a
stupid more...

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never more...

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of more...