Weight Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Weight Loss Program

    Hot 1 year agoby Tats

    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you more...

    Drunk

    Hot 11 months agoby justincider

    I went out on the piss last night and pulled a georgeous bird.

    We made love several times before falling asleep in each others arms.

    When I woke up though I had the shock of my life.

    She'd put on 60 pounds during the night.

    0 to 200 in 6 seconds

    Hot 4 years ago

    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! !"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bits of information to help you through the day:
    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
    A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)
    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm... )
    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
    Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)
    A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. ( So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)
    The male more...

    This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report. Dear Sir; I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went more...

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