Lose Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Amazing ball

    Hot 1 year ago

    A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, when Banta, a salesman, runs up to him and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
    The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
    "It's a special golf ball," says Banta. "You can never lose it!"
    "What do you mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
    "No problem," says Banta. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
    "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
    "Easy," says Banta. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
    "Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
    "No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
    The golfer more...

    Poor Blonde

    Hot 7 years ago

    A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business." She didn't win. So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car." Still, she didn't win. So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will loose my business, my car and my house." Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, "Buy a ticket." Blonde
    What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? "A blonde parade.

    Retired Pirate

    Hot 3 years ago

    After many years at sea a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job he thought that he could also collect disability insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" In a booming voice the pirate replied:
    "WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME LEG."
    "Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand." In a booming voice the pirate replied:
    "WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME HAND."
    "Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your eye." In a more...

    Christopher Columbus was stranded in Jamaica and needed supplies. He knew that an eclipse was to occur the next day. He told the tribal chief, "The God who protects me will punish you. Unless you give me supplies this night, a vengeance will fall upon you and the moon shall lose its light!"
    When the eclipse darkened the sky, Columbus got all the supplies he needed.
    In the early 1900s, and Englishman tried the same trick on a Sudanese chieftain. "If you do not follow my order," he warned, "vengeance will fall upon you and the moon will lose its light."
    "If you're referring to the lunar eclipse," the Sudanese chieftain replied, "that doesn't happen until the day after tomorrow."

    Junk Mail is Divine!

    Hot 5 years ago

    # Things I have learned from reading my junk e-mail:
    1. Everything is absolutely free (or only shipping & handling).
    2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here.
    3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting to perform any sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets, or my farm animals) if I just click there.
    4. I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup sizes, my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just click here.
    5. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click here.
    6. I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it with a hundred horny dwarfs...just click here and here.
    7. I can purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore my hair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same sex if preferred)..what else? click over yonder.
    8. But wait..there's more...legal marijuana, sleeping more...

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