A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."
Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.
His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say 'one, two, three' for?"
Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No...not really. I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I piss like a race horse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble taking a crap?" asked the 70-year-old.
"Well, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30 am."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old more...
A true Southerner knows what "catywompus" means.
A true Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit"
and a "conniption" and they don't "HAVE" them, they "PITCH" them.
Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "YONDER".
A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl on the middle of the table.
All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
A true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's more...
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at his local. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?"
"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.
That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Darling. Look at more...
And it came to pass that an openly Jewish man was elected to be President of the United States of America.
So he calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down to Washington DC to share the Passover Holliday.
She says,' I'd like to, but it's so much trouble... I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd...'
He replies,' Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab; I'll send a limo for you!'
To which his mother replies,' I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble.'
He replies,' Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One or another of my private jets for you.
To which she replies,' Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble.'