Weapon Jokes / Recent Jokes

Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed' The Chicken Gun'Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force "chicken gun."It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour. .. The armament is used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds."My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness," Baker told colleagues."I wonder why a' special classified briefing' had not been set up for members of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger was planning one."Baker also wondered aloud "how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment of their' chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow missles get along with this new weapon..."Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own version more...

- If you have cleared the entire house (or apartment), encountered no resistance and have not cussed out once, you hit the wrong house.
- The newly elected Sheriff is not the one you voted for, and he knows it!
- Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.
- Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.
- You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.
- Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
- The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
- The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.
- Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".
- If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.
- To err is human, more...

In the early 70’s, an undercover Military Intelligence squad was patrolling a notorious Belfast area in plainclothes. After the perilous evening, they emerged onto a York street and stopped for petrol and a few smokes. One of the soldiers asked the attendant if there was a pay phone, and the attendant pointed to the rear of the store.
As the soldier turned towards the phone, the attendant caught the flash of a concealed weapon. Alarmed and fearing a terrorist hold-up, he vanished into the back room, where he phoned the local police station 100 yards up the street. But instead of phoning the front desk, which would have known of a military patrol in the area, he phoned a pal in the CID.
The CID was excited by the thought of a good action going down, and they also failed to consult with the local police. They drove out, mob handed, to rescue their friend from terrorists.
The soldiers were just preparing to leave the petrol station when a car screamed to a halt across more...

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing' Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing' Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.
"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for more...

Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it. They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out, so get out."The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you more...

OBOE: This weapon may appear harmless at first sight. The instrument's stealth qualities lure its intended victims into a false state of security, and then hit them without mercy. The oboe itself is a harmless composite or wooden conical tube. Once the ordnance (reed) is inserted, it is a weapon of tremendous power. One comforting factor is that the oboe is only as dangerous as the musician who wields it. At first glance, the operator of the oboe appears sweet, demure, and quite approachable. Do not be fooled by this deception. The oboist is actually a very high strung and temperamental foe. This mania is caused by the perpetual search for the perfect reed, which we all know doesn't exist. Those who play on plastic reeds are the bottom dwellers of the oboe world and are especially dangerous. The oboe is capable of producing a tone of laser-like quality. The sheer capabilities of volume produced can overpower an entire concert band.
The resulting backpressure produced by over more...

BASSOON: This is a weapon designed to start wars. Used primarily indoors, this weapon's unique tone can cause great embarrassment in social situations. Also known as the "farting bed post" the bassoonist will hide behind a set of curtains at an official state dinner or similar function. With the help of a diplomatic operative during the meal, the intermittent flatulent tones emitted by the bassoon can be blamed on certain visiting high government officials, causing great embarrassment and the possible beginning of hostilities between two countries. The best countermeasure to the bassoon involves lighter fluid and matches (you fill in the blanks).