"MURPHY'S LAWS OF LAW ENFORCEMENT" joke

- If you have cleared the entire house (or apartment), encountered no resistance and have not cussed out once, you hit the wrong house.
- The newly elected Sheriff is not the one you voted for, and he knows it!
- Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.
- Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.
- You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.
- Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
- The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
- The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.
- Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".
- If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.
- To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.
- You will find a "police discount" one day before payday.
- Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.
- Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.
- No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas.
- Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
- The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you.
- Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
- Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.
- Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.
- You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions.
- If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.
- The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.
- Bullet proof vests might be.
- Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.
- Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density.
- Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket.
- NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.
- You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training.
- The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting.
- Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.
- In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks.
- Do unto others, but do it first.
- There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.
- You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.
- No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes anothers idea... usually the Chief's.
- There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
- All great discoveries are made by mistake.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
- The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
- Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
- High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
- If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
- If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
- Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
- If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on the 6 o'clock news.
- Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, and others who consider themselves immortal.
- When a civilian sees a blue lights approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the you need to use.
- You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
- Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
- On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
- Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
- The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, civilian complaints, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.