Via Jokes / Recent Jokes
This is serious... a "WORK" virus is on the loose...
If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague... DO NOT OPEN IT! The "work" virus has been circulating round our building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their social life is deleted and the brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via e-mail, then to transmogrify the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words, "I've had enough of your shit... I'm off down the pub". The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain and your career will now be successfully destroyed.
If you receive "work" in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest pub with two friends and order 3 pints. more...
Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash "He can't come to the phone right now.. he's on the ledge." "He won't be in today... he was made an offer and he refused." "He left the building and not via the elevator.. if you catch my drift." "I'm sorry, sir.. she's not in... she's out digging up your can as we speak." There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please." "He's on another line with his Mommy.. would you care to hold?" "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange" "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak." "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup." "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."
The Top 10 Signs Your Broker Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash
"He can't come to the phone right now.. he's on the ledge."
"He won't be in today... he was made an offer and he refused."
"He left the building and not via the elevator.. if you catch my drift."
"I'm sorry, sir.. she's not in... she's out digging up your can as we speak."
There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
"He's on another line with his Mommy.. would you care to hold?"
"No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange"
"He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
"I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
"Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the more...
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time.
The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.
Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:
5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes more...
MICROSOFT:' If G.M. had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got one-thousand miles to the gallon.'
GENERAL MOTORS:' Perhaps, but if G.M. had developed technology the same way Microsoft has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. You would just accept this, repair the damage and drive on.
2. Every time the lines were repainted on the road, you would have to buy a new car. You would accept this too.
3. Occasionally, but most often during rush-hour or when you are running late, your car would just die on the freeway for no apparent reason. Again, you would just accept this, re-start, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a normal maneuver, such as a left turn, will cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart. In such cases you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. more...
Signs you've had too much of the 90's!
You try to enter your password on the microwave. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
And finally... You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of miscellaneous unproductive time.
It has become a problem not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. Below is a list of new job codes and a description for each code based on observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Please begin using this job code list immediately!
05000 Surfing the Net
05001 Reading/Writing Social E-mail
05002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes 05003, 05004)
05003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
05004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
05005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail
05317 Obstructing communications at meeting
05318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting
05319 Waiting for more...