Treat Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead headline "United States""Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada by Daniel Haney, AP Science writerWashington - Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, largely because [...]U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects social differences between the two countries."Frostbite of the nose is not as expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly." he said.

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good." He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat more...

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U. S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave! The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast: The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get. I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him. The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men more...

A Cowboy said to a Rancher, "Is that your dog?" The Rancher replied, "Yup." "Mind if I talk to him?" "Durn fool, don't you know dogs don't talk?" The Cowboy replied, "So what's the harm? May I?" "Go right ahead." The Cowboy said to the dog, "Howdy!" The dog replied, "Hello." The Rancher's eyes pop wide.
The Cowboy continued, "Is this your master?" "Yep, he sure is." "Does he treat you alright?" "Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play." Rancher was dumbfounded.
The Cowboy said to the Rancher, "Is that your horse over there?" "Yes." "Do you mind if I talk to him?" The Rancher replied, "I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk." "Well, then what would it hurt?" "Go right more...

If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.

My husband is always complaining about my inability to stay on a budget and about the costs of running the house in general. This has become worse since we have had the twins.
Everything is double... clothes, food, pediatrician bills. Lately, he has even been complaining about the amount of baby powder I have been using on the twins to prevent them from getting diaper rashes. I've had to remind him that... talc is cheap.
My brother and I used to fight over everything. Who would get the best toy. Who would get the biggest treat.
Well, on this rainy day Mother discovered she only had one large lollipop for a treat and told us we would have to share. My brother, who was two years older than me suggested that he would take a wooden mallet and break it evenly for us to share and I readily agreed, But when he hit it, it shattered into a number of uneven pieces that we couldn't divide evenly.
Mother told us we should have expected that would occur. She said,... "You can more...

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company.
"Honey, if I lie, I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible."
His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . ."
"But, what?"
"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed."
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so?"
Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away."