Tough Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O. K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for more...

It's 5 in the morning. The marine recruits are lined up outside their barracks. Nude. It's mid-January. In Alaska. The sergeant walks up to the first marine and whacks him across the... [fill in the blank].
The sergeant barks: "Did you feel that, soldier?"
The recruit responds: "No, sir!"
The sergeant: "Why not, soldier?"
The recruit: "Because I'm a rough tough marine, sir!"
The sergeant goes to the next marine and whacks him across his... [fill in the blank]. The sergeant bellows: "Did you feel that, soldier?"
The recruit screams: "No, sir!"
"Why not, soldier?" "Because I'm a rough tough marine. Sir!"
The sergeant goes to the third marine and etc. etc. "Did you feel that?"
"No, sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me!"

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travelbag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed tostuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed." No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!"

Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people more...

Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.7. Plagiarism saves time.8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.13. We waste time so you don't have to.14. more...

Top 20 things we'd like to see on those inspirational posters around the office
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very more...

Those who think it's tough to make a living as a writer of fiction have
obviously never cheated on their income tax.