Timed Jokes / Recent Jokes

Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.
Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).
These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:
Michael McShane
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
them two hammers and a toilet seat.
I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Sue Murphy
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
Fred Reiss
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
Great song.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
Jake Johansen
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was more...

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
If you can read this, my wife fell off! (Seen on the back of a biker's vest.)
If you can beat me, you can eat me! (Seen on a Corvette driven by a "drop-dead gorgeous blonde.")
Remember: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Boldly going nowhere.
Cat: The other white meat.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
He's not dead, He's electro-encephalographically challenged
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit. 2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. 3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. 6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking. 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. 11. If At First You Don't Succeed... blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. 14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha20. more...

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God....Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's more...

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

3. If You Drink, Don't Park - Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Don't Succeed. .. Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken. . Watch For Finger.

15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My more...

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.The Earth Is Full -- Go HomeThis Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening to MeCleverly Disguised as a Responsible AdultThe Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My NameIlliterate? Write For HelpHonk If Anything Falls OffHe Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From the Next ExitWhere Are We Going and Why Am I In This Handbasket?It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream NowI Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk SomewhereRemember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.Boldly Going NowhereHeart Attacks... God's Revenge for Eating His Animal FriendsHow Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

* If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

* The Earth Is Full - Go Home

* I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

* This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

* Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

* If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

* Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

* Honk If Anything Falls Off

* Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes

* He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

* I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

* It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

* I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

* Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

* If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

* Boldly Going Nowhere

* Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch