Advance Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.
    Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
    San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
    Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).
    These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:
    Michael McShane
    I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
    them two hammers and a toilet seat.
    I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
    Sue Murphy
    Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
    that's how dogs spend their lives.
    My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
    Fred Reiss
    I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
    Great song.
    Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
    Jake Johansen
    A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
    "You know a cow was more...

    Katz's Law:
    Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.
    Churchill's Commentary on Man:
    Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
    Sattinger's Law:
    It works better if you plug it in.
    Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom):
    When all else fails, read the instructions.
    Beckhap's Law:
    Beauty times brains equals a constant.
    Cole's Axiom:
    The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
    Jone's Motto:
    Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
    The Ultimate Law:
    All general statements are false.
    Knight's Law:
    Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.
    Krueger's Observation:
    A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.
    Benchley's Law of Distinction:
    There are two kinds of more...

    Katz's Law:
    Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.
    Churchill's Commentary on Man:
    Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
    Sattinger's Law:
    It works better if you plug it in.
    Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom):
    When all else fails, read the instructions.
    Beckhap's Law:
    Beauty times brains equals a constant.
    Cole's Axiom:
    The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
    Jone's Motto:
    Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
    The Ultimate Law:
    All general statements are false.
    Knight's Law:
    Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.
    Krueger's Observation:
    A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.
    Benchley's Law of Distinction:
    There are two kinds of more...

    Katz's Law:Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.Churchill's Commentary on Man:Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.Sattinger's Law:It works better if you plug it in.Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom):When all else fails, read the instructions.Beckhap's Law:Beauty times brains equals a constant.Cole's Axiom:The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.Jone's Motto:Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.The Ultimate Law:All general statements are false.Knight's Law:Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.Krueger's Observation:A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.Benchley's Law of Distinction:There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.Harver's Law:A more...

    Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995 TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.JUDGE: To what? DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also have no objections at this time.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some- thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.PROSECUTION: The people do not.DEFENSE: Do too.PROSECUTION: Do not.DEFENSE: Do too.DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty! JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.PROSECUTION: Where were we? JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not."PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey and the late Raymond more...

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