Taker Jokes / Recent Jokes

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:

Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.

Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

Forget your gun at home.

Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a more...

A census taker, working in a rural area, knocked on a farmhouse door. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
"Well, let's see now," she replied. "There's the twins, Sue and Lou, they're seventeen. And the twins, Jason and Mason, they're thirteen. And the twins, Maureen and Doreen, they're eleven... "
"Hold on!" said the census taker. "Did you get twins every time?"
"Oh heavens, no!" the woman replied. "There were hundreds of times we didn't get nuthin'"

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

In fact, one census taker reported that he couldn't count the number of people in Octomom's household. The census taker said he ran out of fingers.

A man decides to have a face lift as a special gift to himself for his birthday. He spends $6,000 and feels very good about the results.
On his way home, he stops at a newstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, he says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?
"I'd say about 36," replies the clerk.
"Nope, I'm actually 49," the man replies happily.
After leaving the newstand, he stops at McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question. "Oh, you look to be about 31," the order taker says.
"No, I'm actually 49," the man says, feeling even happier. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 82 and my eyesight is going. However, when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your privates for ten minutes, I'll be able to tell your exact age." Since there more...