A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a more...
A couple of Martians land at a closed gas station in the middle of the night. They exit their spaceship and approach a gas pump.
They look it over quizzically and one says to the other, "I think these must be Earth people."
"Take us to your leader!" the first Martian demands. There's no response.
"I don't think we should fuck around with this one," the second Martian whispers to his partner.
"I demand you take us to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!" the first Martian demands again. Still, there's no response.
The first Martian then takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. The gas pump and the entire station blow up and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a nearby tree.
The second Martian screams to his partner, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU WE SHOULDN'T FUCK WITH A GUY WHO CAN WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"
A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce.
"He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones."
"How do you mean?"
"Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"
"Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens."
"We don't, Mr. Jones, we were at the Safeway supermarket!"
A guy wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts into a sperm bank. He approaches the woman at the desk and screams, "Open the fucking vault!"
"But sir, we don't have any money," she nervously replies. "This is a sperm bank."
"Stop arguing and open the damn safe," he demands, waving the gun in her face. Not wanting to provoke him further, she opens the vault door. "Now, take out one of the bottles and drink it," he shouts.
"But these are sperm samples," she tearfully replies.
"I don't give a damn. Do it!" he demands. So, she removes the cap from the bottle and gulps it down.
He then points to another bottle and tells her to drink that one as well. She takes the bottle out, removes the cap and downs that one too.
After making her do this a couple more times, he whips off his ski mask and she's startled to see that it's her husband. "See honey," he says, "that wasn't so fucking more...
As Hostage Taker: Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament. Forget your gun at home. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie". Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you. As Negotiator: Ask the hostage taker if he/she would more...