Hostage Jokes

Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes
the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway
car nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that
things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to
show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one
wish.
"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my
Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it
before an audience. I'll go happilly if you let me recite my sermon. It's
an hour - ninety minutes long, tops."
They promise to grant him the wish.
"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the
'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to more...

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be over reacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:

Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.

Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

Forget your gun at home.

Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a more...

Every "hormone hostage" knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that
should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of
every husband, boyfriend, or male child.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be over-reacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It’s not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I’m in a bad mood? ” – Vanna White, “Wheel of Fortune” co-star

On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: “I’d rather not talk about money. It’s kind of gross. ” – Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces

On Disco Music, Importance of: “God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful. ” – Donna Summer, disco singer

On Giving It Your All: “I think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical hard. ” – New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why his team had lost an NBA contest

On Hostage-Taking, Fun For All: “[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality. ” – Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni more...