Speaker Jokes / Recent Jokes

WOMEN'S RIGHTS

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd more...

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair... try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good more...

Attempt to take the order-takers order.("Hi, may I take your order?" ) before they get a chance to take yours. Order confusing items, i. e.,"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please". When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk. more...

Recently our speaker had to discontinue several of his long talks on account of his throat. Several people threatened to cut it.

You have heard it said before that this speaker needs no introduction. Well, I have heard him and he needs all the introduction he can get.

Our speaker needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion.

Our speaker will not bore you with a long speech... he can do it with a short one.

You`ve been a wonderful audience... you stayed.

The South Takes a Cue from Oakland Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California andMassachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass. Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba"and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation. Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics: Can I help you? Kin ah hip ewe? Hi, I'm Don Fowler. Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah. The discerning English more...

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit,
he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory
work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken
dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat
resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of
speechmaking.
"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this
speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein
laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap
and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a
beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few
questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question
about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone
in the audience know more...

Tech Support Trials and Tribulations
Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective!" Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)
***
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink more...