Side Jokes / Recent Jokes
In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, PresidingWile E. Coyote, Plaintiff-vs. - Acme Company, DefendantOpening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, more...
A german, a japanese, and a texan were all in a sauna butt-naked.All they were wearing was a towel around their waist.
All of a sudden, the german looks at his side.The texan, wondering what he was doing, saw he had a pager built into his side. He said you have a pager built into your waist?
The german says, "
Yeah! New german technology great stuff!"
The texan was confused.
Then, all of a sudden, they heard a ringing sound. The japanese started talking into his wrist.The texan saw this and said"
You have a telephone built into your wrist?"
The japanese said,"
Yeah! new japanese technology! great stuff!"
Confused once more, the texan just said,"
I got to use the men's room, I need time to think."
So he went, and when he got back, he found that the german was looking at him kinda' funny. Wondering why, the german said,"
You have a piece of toliet paper coming out of your butt!"
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit.Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other. There was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"? He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down" he said.The lady more...
Shirley and Sophie are elderly widows. One day they see a new, nice looking guy come into the indoor swimming pool of a building with them.
Sophie says, "Shirley you know I'm shy. Can you go over to the other side of the pool and try to get to know about that guy."
Shirley goes over to the other side and asks the guy "Are you single?"
"Yes, but I been in prison."
"I strangled my third wife."
"What about your second wife?"
"I got in a fight with her and she fell out the window."
"And your first wife?"
"I shot her."
Then Shirley calls to the other side to Sophie and says "Yoo hoo, he's single!"
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she more...
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one fourth of your sex life?" Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay," and makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of more...
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you.... ..When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters.Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and more...