Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of thewindshields.British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like a bolt shot from a crossbow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, andbegged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.NASA responded with a one-line memo: more...
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space. As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff.'' At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off. Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff.'' At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks. Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to the astronaut...'' At this the astronaut shouted ''I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything.''
Your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month.You paint flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"You refer to Klingons as "Critters"You refer to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"You have the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.You install a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.You say "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies."You hang fuzzy dice over the view screen.You rewire your communicator into your belt buckle.You keep a six-pack under your command chair and a gun rack above it.You say "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
You have a hand-tooled holster for your phaser.You insist on calling your executive officer "Bubba."You set the fore view screen to reruns of "Bassmaster."You program the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.You paint the starship John Deere more...
Mission to Mars
(Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut)
The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle.
"Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions."
The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later, headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2,
report to communications for instructions."
Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyze the solar radiation.
Monkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Female Astronaut 1, please report to communications more...
Needless to say that our hearts and prayers are with the families of Shuttle Columbias heroes. However I would not be surprised if the NASA investigators will try to blame the LEFT-WING for this tragic disaster.