Monkey Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

    The headquarters in the US calls:"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to comms for instructions."
    He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

    A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2 report to comms for instructions."
    He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyze the solar radiation.
    So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

    A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please report to comms for instructions."
    She sits down and just as she is about to more...

    Cue Ball

    Hot 5 months ago

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up more...

    God created the donkey & said to him: " You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey. " The donkey answered: " I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish. God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog. " You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. " The dog answered: " Sir, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: " You will be a monkey. " You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. " The monkey answered: " Sir, to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted more...

    Dopin' Lizard

    Hot 4 years ago

    A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"
    The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
    So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
    A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
    The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
    The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"
    The Monkey looks down more...

    The Talking Monkey

    Hot 4 years ago

    A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
    The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
    Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.
    "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.
    "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
    "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."
    "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
    "They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."
    "What else?" The monkey motioned more...

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