Rush Jokes / Recent Jokes
NEG FRI FRI FRI THU
WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 32
16 15 14 12 11 10
9
23 22 21 20 19 18
17
32 30 28 27 26 25
24
3938373635
3433
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs.
All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this
calendar a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered
on the 3rd.
2. Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three
Fridays in every week.
3. There are eight new days added to each month to allow
for end-of-the-month panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month - thus avoiding late
delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with
non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping
the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?"
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart!"
How To Shower Like A Woman...
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your
boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush
to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut
so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting
fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced
with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body more...
Friday afternoon, the rush hour bus is jam-packed with commuters. Everyone was feeling like sardines in a can.
People stood face-to-face, back-to-back.
A young woman was wearing a miniskirt was feeling particularly uncomfortable with her situation.
As if feeling discomfort, a construction worker behind her said, "Pardon me, miss, but that thing pressing into your back is my weekly pay. .. today they only paid us hard cash!"
"I don't mind your hard cash," replied the woman, "but how do you explain your pay increase since the last stop?"
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with cucumber and aloe vera shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with cucumber and aloe vera conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least 15 minutes more...
Christmas Survival Quiz
In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing… then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out. PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you…
A. Jump out of bed shouting “Santa’s here! ”
B. Jump out of bed shouting “What the %&!@ was that?! ”
C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.
2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: “On…”
A. “a gada da vida. ”
B. “top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese…”
C. “Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen! ”
3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
B. Isn’t it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
C. A reindeer, more...
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn`t it be called a "near hit"?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
How do you KNOW it`s new and improved dog food?
Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?
Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?
Why is abreviation such a long word?
If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?