Rabbi Jokes / Recent Jokes

NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed. One day, they realised they hadn't invited anyone from the clergy so they invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth. Upon their return, they were asked to go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the experience.
The priest came into the room with a smile on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, "It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. I'm truly in awe." But the rabbi came into the room completely dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience. He threw his hands in the air and said, "Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, more...

Rabbi Mendel was one day walking along a very narrow street, when he came face to face with a rival Rabbi. The street was too narrow for the two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools." Smiling, Rabbi Mendel stepped aside and said,. . . "I always do."

Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes
the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway
car nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that
things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to
show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one
wish.
"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my
Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it
before an audience. I'll go happilly if you let me recite my sermon. It's
an hour - ninety minutes long, tops."
They promise to grant him the wish.
"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the
'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to more...

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?" Bernie: "The dog came here to pray." "Oh, come on." says the Rabbi. "YES!" says Bernie. Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple." Bernie: "Its true!".. "Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do." "OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. more...

Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler. The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the driver of the Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein.
After Officer McGuire verifies that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle. Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks him: "Tell me, Father, how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?"

A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Oahu for a week, all expenses paid. When he enters his hotel room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am extremely angry with you."
Hearing this, the girl immediately gets up and starts to get dressed.
He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you..."

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow. Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork. Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the p ig!