Mob Jokes

There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500, 000 dollars by stealing from the books.
The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.
Hitman: where is the money?
Accountant signs he does not know
Brother: he said he does not know
Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!
Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.
Hitman: what did he say?
Brother: you don't have the balls!

Two brothers, one a lawyer and the other an account, both represented a Mafia boss. One day, the mob boss said to the lawyer, "You tell your brother I'm missing two million dollars and I want to know where my money is."

The lawyer translated this for his brother (who happened to be a deaf mute.

The mob boss later approached the lawyer, "What did he say," asked the mob boss.

The lawyer explained that his brother honored and respected the boss and would never take a dime. At that point, the boss took out his gun and put it to the accountant's head. He then told the lawyer to find out where his money was, or he'd put a bullet in his brother.

Again the lawyer translated the message to his brother, who began shaking. The accountant then explained to his brother in sign language, "Okay, okay, the money is hidden in my closet."

The mob boss looked at the lawyer for the answer, to which the lawyer responded, more...

A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, "Tell you what, Ill bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock."The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he cant see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. Youre on.""Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man. The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I dont know how you did it but thats exactly right. A bets a bet. Take any sheep."The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation."The man thinks, "How would he know, hes never met me before" and says "Righto. Youre on". The farmer says, "Youre an auditor with a Big Four firm."The man whistles. "How the heck did you know that?""Well," more...

Da night bepor Christmas
An all tru da house
Nating pas
Not eben a mouse.

Da children dey nossie
all snog on da ploor
An Mama puts newspepper
Tru da crack on da dor.

Den Mama in da stobe
Roost up da manuk
Steer up da adobo
An make bake da biko.

Den out on da rud
Dey got such a clatter
Soun like old manong
Pull down da ladder.

I run so past
To open da dor
I trip ober da dog
An pull down on da ploor!

As I look out da dor
In da light ob da moon
I thinking "apo, you cresy
I'm gitting old too soon."

Becus dere on da rud
Wer I turn my head
Dere's eight carabao
Pulling a sled
An a little driber
Wit a big ishtick
I know right away
must be St Nick.

Mob paster an paster
Da carabao dey come
He wistle an holler
An call dem by nim:
"Oy, Boogy!
Oy, more...

An American tourist arrives in India; it is his first visit to the country. He hires a cab for the day to take him round the city. Outside a bakery, he espies a big mob jostling, pushing, everyone trying to get in at the same time.' What is going on?' he asks the Sikh taxi driver.
The sardar/ir is very patriotic and does not wish the foreigner to have an unfavourable impression of his country.' They are shooting a film,' he replies blandly.
A little later they come to a yet greater mob of people outside a ration shop selling wheat and cooking oil. Jostling, pushing, everyone trying to get in at the same time.' What's going on here?' demands the American.
'It's the same film; part second,' replies the sardar//^ and drives on.
A third mob outside the kerosene oil depot. Men, women and children banging their tin cans, raising a hell of a shinding. And what's going on here?' asks the visitor.
'Same film; part three,' replied the sardar//.
'Say, what kind of more...