The House will vote on Saturday to raise the minimum wage to $7.25 an hour. The raise would allow many Americans to quit their third job.
If your printout does not arrive within 1.2 seconds, immediately take the printer offline and press enough times to place the perforation in the center of all subsequent printouts. Leave the printer in this inoperative state, but be sure to place your document (140k minimum) in the queue at least five (5) more times before going home. In the unlikely event you return for your output, give it a cursory glance before discarding in the recycle bin.
Be sure and send all graphics output to the line printer as often as possible. Fill at least 175 pages with brief cryptic strings such as q:!@ in the corner. After observing that this output does not match the plot you intended, perform the exact same action a second time, in the hope that the first error was simply the result of intervention by evil spirits.
Wad, crush, crumple, stomp, spindle, paw, and rip at least six (6) other users' output in retrieving your own. Broadcast this refuse in random directions or coat the vicinity of more...
Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God.
The new product is to be named "Microsoft God," and will be available to consumers sometime in late 1998.
"Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from more...
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.
But did you know that:
660 Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1) Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 Area code of the Beast
00666 Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and
$656.66 Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 Way of the Beast
666 F Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k Retirement plan of more...
First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-caw-go, or Cha-ca-ga, depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd.Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.
If you are in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that.All directions start with, "I-94"... which has no beginning and no end.The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10.
The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7.
Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and, if you happen to be on the south side, possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with more...