Martha Jokes / Recent Jokes

Martha Stewart vs Me...

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's more...

I'm picturing lovely ribbons winding like candy canes down the iron
bars, and useful storage containers she's built that glide easily below
her bunk bed in which she'll store sheets and linens from K-Mart's
going-out-of-business sale.
The lone toilet will be transformed into a bouquet spilling over with
toilet paper flowers, into which a trickling cascade of water will flow
from the sink in a bird bath-like fashion, in an effort to attract sparrows
through the open bars of her window.
Once trapped in her cell, the sparrows will be slowly roasted with
matches for which Martha will have gotten by beating up her cellmate.
They will be stuffed with acorns found in the prison courtyard. I hear
it's Martha's intention to collect enough birds to offer a Thanksgiving
feast to all those who continue to subscribe to her magazine, even
while in prison, although she has asked that each of them commit
to a year of service as part of her newly more...

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!
How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.
How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's more...

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them! How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.A man is incomplete until he is married. After more...

Dear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.
Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced more...

James and his wife, Martha, are getting ready to leave home for a vacation.
Martha started out the door, then stopped, turned around, and said, "James, this time you should go check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are pulled, lamp timers are set, thermostat is adjusted, windows are closed and locked, burglar alarm is on, doors are locked, and I'll go wait in the car and keep blowing the horn."

James and his wife, Martha, are getting ready to leave home for a vacation.Martha started out the door, then stopped, turned around, and said, "James, this time you should go check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are pulled, lamp timers are set, thermostat is adjusted, windows are closed and locked, burglar alarm is on, doors are locked, and I'll go wait in the car and keep blowing the horn."