Local Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
    A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
    The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
    The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
    The manager was more...

    Parnethood Preparation

    Hot 7 years ago

    Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, takeout 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell thepharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up thepaper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve theirchild's sleeping habits, more...

    A Local Ophthalmologist

    Hot 4 years ago

    Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he had recently performed a successful sight-saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated pop artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room. The mural turned out be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself. While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked: "Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?"

    "To tell the truth," replied the physician, "my first thought was, thank more...

    Ventriloquist Laugh

    Hot 7 years ago

    A ventriloquist walks into a small Australian town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog and figures he'll have a little fun.
    Ventriloquist: 'G'day mate. Good looking dog... mind if l speak to him?'
    Local: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid man.'
    Ventriloquist: 'Hey dog, how's it going old mate?'
    Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
    Local: (Look of extreme shock)
    Ventriloquist (pointing at local): 'Is this man your owner?'
    Dog: 'Yep.'
    Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
    Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and lakes me to the river once a week to play.'
    Local: (Look of utter disbelief)
    Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
    Local: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'
    Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
    Horse: 'Cool.'
    Local: (Absolutely dumbfounded)
    Ventriloquist (pointing at local): 'Is this your owner?'
    Horse: 'Yep.'
    Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat more...

    Criminal Hall of Shame

    Hot 5 years ago

    Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people-many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women-ooops, "women and men"-we
    present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."
    Following are their accounts...
    Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
    South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the more...

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