Copied from Ann Landers column who received it from John Wherle, Graffiti Magazine columnist.
Dear John Wehrle: Thanks for sending these on. They cracked me up. Here goes:
A thief stole a van in Chicago without realizing that its owner was sitting on the roof. The owner managed to hang onto the top of the car during a ride on the interstate at speeds of up to 65 mph. When the thief pulled over and got out of the car, the owner jumped on him and held him down until the police arrived.
In Virginia, a bank robber was nabbed because he made the classic mistake of returning to the scene of the crime. He was collared after he tried to deposit some of the loot into the same bank he had held up a month earlier. He was recognized because the same teller waited on him both times.
At a Topeka, Kan., convenience store, a robber who discovered there wasn't very much money in the cash register tied up the clerk and waited on customers for three hours in order to increase his more...
Copied from Ann Landers' Column:
Dear Ann Landers: My next-door neighbor is my dearest friend. Yesterday, over coffee at my kitchen table, she seemed quite upset with her husband, "Jerry". It is a well-known fact that he has been running around on her for years, so I asked her if she had ever considered a divorce. She said, "Divorce - never. But murder? Yes."
She continued, "Last night, I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night - a common occurrence. I didn't want to turn on the light for fear of waking Jerry, so I groped my way, as I have done many times before. When I reached my destination, I poised myself to be seated and fell right into the bowl. It seems my darling husband, for the millionth time, had left the seat up."
I listened patiently, trying my darnedest not to laugh. I could tell she didn't see anything funny about it. Finally, she said, "I wonder what Ann Landers would say." I told her I would write and ask. more...
Copied from Ann Lander's Column:
Landers: Santa's 'official' visit has special Claus in military directives.
DEAR Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought it was a hoot. I hope you will print it for Christmas. - Steve Online
Dear Steve: Although the Internet has attracted an amazing amount of garbage, it has also made a great deal of valuable information available to millions of people. Thanks for your charming contribution. Here it is:
This in from retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Bob Clements. Please read.
To: All Retired Military Personnel
Subject: Official Command Visit
This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will govern activities of personnel during this visit:
No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly room.
Personnel will settle their brains for more...
This year The Frumious Bandersnatch highlights some of the more arcane or utterly worthless things you can give as a Christmas gift:
Have your picture silk screened onto your girlfriend's panties for only $19.95. You can imagine all the creative purposes this can be put to.
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK II:
The new edition of this game is designed for know-it-alls and includes questions about subjects such as the difference between Visigoths and Ostergoths that are sure to stump them.
FREE BAJA ARIZONA BUMPER STICKERS:
We still have a supply of our non-waterproof bumper stickers that melt away at the first drop of rain. Good for use only in extremely arid regions.
Perfect for shooting insects inside your house, our wax bullets come in 22 and 38 caliber sizes.
Decorate your house in Southwestern style with our live tumbleweeds. Only $44.00.
NASA is offering its surplus Mars Landers for more...
Dear Ann Landers: So you like "crazy lawsuits?" In the three years I have been writing the Random Nuts column for Graffiti magazine, I've collected some doozies and am pleased to pass some of the best along to you. Here they are:* After he threatened to sue McDonald's for $5 million, a former research scientist was arrested for extortion. The scientist claimed he ate part of a fried rat tail he found in a bag of Happy Meal french fries, but a grand jury said the tail came from one of his own laboratory rats.* A convict wants $1,000 because the state of New York made him eat "vegetable diet loaf" as a punishment for violating prison rules.* Another prisoner is suing because he says secondhand smoke from other inmates is ruining his health, though he smokes himself.* The all-time Random Nuts champ has to be a convicted Brooklyn burglar who is suing the state for $989 billion because prison guards beat up his jacket, which he wasn't wearing at the time.* In Boston, more...