Kleenex Jokes / Recent Jokes
Fingernail Clippers:
That's why we have teeth.
Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
Inflatable Furniture:
Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
The Epilady:
Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.
Rubber Clothing:
Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.
Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
Thong underwear:
Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
Fingernail Clippers:That's why we have teeth.Makeup That is Tattooed on:You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty? Colored Elastics For Braces:As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.Inflatable Furniture:Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.Crayons That Smell:Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.Fake Eyelashes:You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.The Epilady:Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:Kleenex does not get chilly.Rubber Clothing:Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.Doggie Sweaters:Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.Thong underwear:Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
Products we could do without!
Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.
Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
Crayons With a Fragrance: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.
Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: "Make the woman happy."
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played!
Life is so unfair...
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her Spring Fresh Extra Light Panty Liners with Wings (+5)
...you return with beer (-5)
You check out suspicious noise at night (0)
...and it is nothing (0)
....and it is something (+5)
... you hammer more...
THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer. ..-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night. .. 0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat more...
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times. This is long, but funny!
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
~~~~~~
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief more...
A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.
"Oh, my," exclaimed the lady, "Come on, I'll clean you!"
She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.
She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.
Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.
And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.
She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling... Pssssst..."Hey, lady!"
"Yes?" she responded.
"Do you have a Kleenex?" asked the voice from the bushes.
"No, not anymore," she answered.
"Damn! Have ya' seen any Ducks?"