Holiness Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Pope's sick for a number of months and experts were called in
from all over the world, but no one could diagnose his illness.
Finally a doctor from Switzerland came and immediately hit upon
the cause of the problem.
He said to the Pope, " Your Holiness,' cos U have lived in a
celibate state all your life, your seminal fluids are literally
choking U to death. Therefor, there is only one cure. U must
have sexual intercourse witha woman! "
The Pope crie out in dismay, "But I can't. I can't. U know the
vows Ive taken. I just cannot."
The Doctor replied, " But Your Holiness, if U don't do this U
will condemn yourself to death. This too, is a mortal sin."
The Pope pondered the problem and said, " I'll retire to my room
for 3 days of prayer, and then I'll make a decision."
At the end of the 3 days, he telephoned the Doctor in Swizerland
and said, " My decision has been more...

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb at the Rome Leonardo da Vinci Fiumicino Airport.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile?
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.

"Please slow more...

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus.
We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer."

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

This other guy walks into confession and admits to the priest that he had
engaged in oral sex. The priest being quite new at this confession business
tells the man he doesn' know what type of pennance to give him for his sin
so he'll call the Holiness in Rome and ask him. The priest calls the Holiness
and asks what he normally gives for a blow job to which the Holiness replies,
"40,000 lyra"!

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was St. Peter himself who greeteed him with a firm embrace
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great statue in heaven. You may pass through The Gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven. You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.
Is there anything your Holiness desires?
"Well yes" the Pope replied. " I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between The Lord and the prophets of more...