History Jokes / Recent Jokes
Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes more...
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe more...
Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.8. The patient refused autopsy.9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.13. She is numb from her toes down.14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.15. The skin more...
Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds."Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created more...
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The more...
A Short History of MedicineI have an earache... 2000 B. C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A. D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A. D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A. D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A. D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A. D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said."Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs.""Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."The teacher glares and asks "All more...