Happening Jokes / Recent Jokes
What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life. Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Letter from a Guitarist to the "Dear Abby" help column in a newspaper.
Dear Abby
I think my wife is cheating on me.
I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot.
I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive.
Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way.
I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.
A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs.
He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she more...
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her. "What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?"
Rodney Dangerfield
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her. "What's the matter, can't you cut it?"
John Wayne Bobbit
Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
Robert Byrne
Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at prison.
Mike Tyson
Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends my marriage.
-Gunga Jim
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limit.
Unknown
The difference between kinky and perverted is... uh I don't know.
Richard Gere
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were
stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this one
is not. It's happening every day. I'm sending this "warning" only to a few
of my closest friends.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years
ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with
someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who
would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if
imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to
mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at
pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became
obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to
bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living
out my life in jeans and more...
SHIT HAPPENS in various world religions
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Taoism: Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
PROPERLY."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
have salvation.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
7th Day Adventism:
Shit happens on Saturdays.
Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of more...
What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.