A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women.
Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace.
The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says more...
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. "OK" he said and she went on her way.
Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted "Stop!" Have you got valid insurance papers for your vehicle madam?" Ethel again dug into her handbag and found a scrap of paper which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on.
Going down the final corridor more...
A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."
During the bustle of holiday shopping at the mall, a lady lost her handbag. Fortunately, an honest little boy found it, and returned it to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm... that's strange. When I lost my purse, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."