Receipt Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
    MALE PROCEDURE
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.
    FEMALE PROCEDURE
    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. more...

    A couple of days ago, I was rushing around attempting to do some last minute shopping. At the time, I was very stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season at all.
    It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car with the gifts I felt obligated to buy. It was then that I noticed I was missing a receipt that I might need later. Grumbling under my breath, I headed back to the mall entrance.
    As I searched the pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. Upon investigating, I found that the crying was coming from a shabbily dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin, had no coat, and was only wearing an old, tattered flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Strangely enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.
    Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and more...

    As soon as the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
    "Now listen up!" Noah said, with authority in his voice. "There will be no sex on this trip. Males, you are to remove your penis and turn it in to my sons. I will be seated at the table over there and will write you a receipt. Once we see land, turn in your receipt and I will give you back your penis."
    Several days later, Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage all excited. "Quick," he said, "get up on my shoulders and look out the window to see if you can see any land out there!"
    Mrs. Rabbit did as he asked and said, "Sorry, dear, no land yet."
    "Damn!" Mr. Rabbit exclaimed.
    This went on day after day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What's the matter with you?" she asked. "You know it will rain for forty days and forty nights. We will only be able to see land after the water has drained. Why are you more...

    His
    Pull up to ATM
    Insert card
    Enter PIN and account
    Take cash, card and receipt
    Drive away
    Hers
    Pull up to ATM
    Back up and pull forward to get closer
    Shut off engine
    Put keys in purse
    Get out of car because you're too far from machine
    Hunt for card in purse
    Insert card
    Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it
    Enter PIN
    Study instructions
    Hit "cancel"
    Re-enter correct PIN
    Check balance
    Look for envelope
    Look in purse for pen
    Make out deposit slip
    Endorse checks
    Make deposit
    Study instructions
    Make cash withdrawal
    Get in car
    Check makeup
    Look for keys
    Start car
    Check makeup
    Start pulling away
    Stop
    Back up to machine
    Get out of car
    Take card and receipt
    Get back in car
    Put card in wallet
    Put receipt in checkbook
    Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
    Clear area in purse for wallet and more...

    How to get money from a cash machine:
    He:
    1. Pull up to a bancontact
    2. Insert card
    3. Enter PIN number and account
    4. Take cash, card and receipt
    She:
    1. Pull up to a bancontact
    2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
    3. Shut off engine
    4. Put keys in purse
    5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
    6. Hunt for card in purse
    7. Insert card
    8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
    9. Enter PIN number
    10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
    11. Hit "cancel"
    12. Re-enter correct PIN number
    12A Hit "cancel"
    12B Call husband to get correct PIN number
    13. Check balance
    14. Look for envelope
    15. Look in purse for pen
    16. Make out deposit slip
    17. Endorse checks
    18. Make deposit
    19. Study instructions
    20. Make cash withdrawal
    21. Get in car
    22. Check makeup
    23. Look for keys
    24. Start car
    25. Check more...

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