Brake Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
    MALE PROCEDURE
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.
    FEMALE PROCEDURE
    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. more...

    Canadian driving!

    Hot 4 years ago

    How to identify a Canadian driver:1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE9. - Two hands gripping wheel, more...

    One day in Soweto a delivery truck pulls up outside the Mandela house. The driver gets out and unloads al pile of boxes on to the front lawn. At this point Winnie Mandela arrives back from shopping and accosts the driver: "What are you doing? What is all this stuff on my garden!"
    "Look lady," says the driver "see this paper it say 150 car batteries for Nelson Mandela."
    And with that he jumps in his truck and drives off.
    The next day The truck again pulls up outside the Mandela house and the driver starts to unload. This time Winnie runs out shouting: "What are you doing now?"
    "Lokk lady, It says here 200 brake shoes for Nelson Mandela"
    "But what does my Nelson want with 200 Brake shoes and 150 batteries, take them away!" shouts Winnie
    "No lady I have to leave them or I get the sack", says the driver who has now finished throwing boxes on to the grass, and drives off.
    The following day the more...

    Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.
    One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began:
    "911, what is your emergency?"
    "Osifer, I've been robbed!"
    "Can you be more specific sir?"
    "Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
    "Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair.
    "Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel."
    "Sir, what is your location?"
    "I'm in my car."
    "Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?"
    "Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!"
    "Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm."
    The

    Canadian driving!

    Hot 2 years ago

    How to identify a Canadian driver: 1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE9. - Two hands gripping more...

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