Grandfather Jokes / Recent Jokes

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick, 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Grandfather pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; and so is my grandfather!

Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my halfbrother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my halfbrother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you more...

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat. ” Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old. ” The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time? ” Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own fucking business! ”

A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.

When they arrive, Johnny runs ahead of his granny, and bursts into his grandfather's room.

"Grandpa", the boy says, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make the sounds of a frog,"

"What for?" asked his Grandpa.

"Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disney World"

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow then asks his grandfather,
"Well, how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied,"Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom.
She yells,'Screw You!'
and I holler back,'Screw You too!'"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."+------------------------------------------------------------------------ On their first night together, the newly weds decided to more...

Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.
He asks Mike, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Mike says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go "tick-tock-tick-tock" anymore.
Now it just goes "tick... tick... tick."

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
Then he says in a menacing voice...
Ve haf vays of making you tock!"