Fork Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."
The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please."
The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says,
"God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.
The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, even for a more...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says,"God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork."The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal.He asks, "My God almighty, what more...

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software: Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? more...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by a cannibals.
The chief says to them, "I have bad news and good news for you. The bad news is, now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, and eat you. Then, we will use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is, you get to choose your own method of dying."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and drives himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol. Pointing it at his head, he says, "God save the Queen!" and shoots himself.
The American says, "Give me a fork." Puzzled, the chief shrugs and hands him a fork. The American takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his body. There's blood gushing out everywhere and it's a horrible sight.
Appalled, the chief asks, "What are you more...

Blind Man One day a blind man came into a restaruant. A waiter came to him and asked "Would you like a menu, sir?".
The man said "No thanks but if you bring me a dirty fork I'll tell you what I want."
So the waiter brings him a dirty fork and the blind man sniffs it. Then he said "bring me the meatloaf and mashed potatos". So the waiter brings him meatloaf and mashed potatos.
The next day the same blind guy comes in. The waiter doesn't recognize him and asks if he would like a menu. The blind man says, "No but if you bring me a dirty fork I'll tell you what I want."
So the waiter brings him a dirty fork. The man sniffs it and says "I'd like the lasagna with extra cheese please". So the waiter brings him the lasagna.
The next day the blind man comes in and the waiter recognizes him. The waiter says "Let me guess you want a dirty fork, right?"and the blind man says "Yes I would.".
The more...

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup more...

Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support waiter. Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: more...