Fill Jokes / Recent Jokes

I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. .. eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?
I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave more...

Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly "Interesting movies"? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA - Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.
Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're halfway there already - just get someone to fill out our full color brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some, good old fashioned non-challenging material.
1. Which of the following was one of the famous Marx Brothers?
a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TYRE
2. The number missing from the series (1, 2, 4,.., 16) is:
a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TYRE
3. The letter missing from the series (a, b, c,.., e) is:
a. z
b. b
c. d
d. TYRE
4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5. 00. He buys more...

Oliver’s Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Orben’s Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash. Osborn’s Law: Variables won’t, constants aren’t. Ozman’s Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something “without fail, ” he won’t. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. O’Reilly’s Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible O’Toole’s Commentary On Murphy’s Law: Murphy was an optimist. Parkinson’s Laws: First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law - The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to more...

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting Stupidity2. You Too Can Do Housework3. Resistance to Beer4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4: 00am7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13. You, The Weaker Sex14. Reasons To Give Flowers15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without more...

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10.What goes up must come down, except more...

John and Cathy were driving through Arkansas farmlands on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel
gauge, John decided to stop at the next gas station and fill up. About five minutes later, he spotted one and pulled over to the
high octane pump.
"What can I do fer y'all?," asks the attendant.
"Fill her up with high-test," replied John.
While the attendant was filling up the tank, he started checking out the car. "What kind of car is dat?" he asked, ". . . never
seen one like it b'fore." "Well," responded John, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy, is a 1997 Mercedes Benz."
"What all does it got in it?" asked the attendant. "It has everything," John said. "It has power steering, power seats, power
sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10-deck CD player, 8-speaker stereo, disks brakes all around, leather interior,
digital more...

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"
The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"
The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."
"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.
Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"
The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"
Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves more...